September 15, 2011
Shipping stuff from the States is crazy expensive. Remember that order I made with Dick Blick? Yea, well I just got a quote and it'll cost nearly $100 to have the order shipped. Plus duty taxes, which they don't have a quote for. Cripes! So I guess that's off. Now I'll need to find a new supplier or find an alternative product. Some things are so tough here. Last night I had a bit of a break-down. I was reminiscing about living in Peoria where I had friends and a job I loved....I know this sounds silly but I felt like I WAS somebody. Some day shere I feel like nothing. Like I don't even exist. Like I'm floating on my back in an immense pool of water - sounds muted, the sense of touch diluted. I think this little episode may have affected my dreaming mind as well because I had some horrible dreams last night. I was in this underwater room made of glass - and there was this flimsy door, kind of like a porch door. And when I entered the room my instinct was to open it, but then I realized I was in this underwater cube and to open the door would be to allow all of the water in. The door was sort of bulging and I was suddenly filled with a huge sense of anxiety. I kept watching the beautiful fish pass by and was transfixed by the color of the water - a deep Maxfield Parsh blue. (It occurs to me just now that yesterday I read a short story by F Scott Fitzgerlad in which he used the same phrase to describe the sky). For some reason I left the room and was confronted with a most macabre scenario: burying bodies. We didn't have much space and someone (my sister?) had figured we'd need a space so wide by so wide. But I told her that wouldn't leave us any room, but if we piled the bodies on top of each other we could bury them in a more compact space. So we started digging but I lost my drive almost immediately. I left. When I returned the plot had been dug (by my step-dad?) and the bodies placed. I re-arranged them to better accommodate the space. And then I started to think about the smell. And why were we burying bodies anyway? And could the smell leak out of the ground? What if we didn't bury them deep enough? And how about the plywood they were laying on - it had holes from all of the digging we'd done - would that make the smell seep through? Then the bodies were like ragdolls. Then back to bodies. And I started to panic thinking about death by suffocation. What if I were to be buried alive - or drown by opening that door from the cube I just left? I couldn't face it. I think I must have been holding my breath in my sleep because I awoke with a bit of a gasp. What was that all about?
In terms of art I started a new piece. I cut those bits of wood I mentioned in an earlier blog down to a workable size and sanded them so they're more or less ready to go. So far I like it - the piece I've started, I mean. But I need to get some damned Mod Podge or I can't do much! Aaargh! I think I'm stressing myself out - maybe all of these days working alone in the studio are getting to me. My friend, Muffy, is visiting from America and will be in London this weekend - I think I should meet up with her.
No more dwaddling today, though - the dog is moaning at me to take him for a walk. "The dude abides." Later.
No more dwaddling today, though - the dog is moaning at me to take him for a walk. "The dude abides." Later.
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